When You Don't Have the Words to Say

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I've sat down to write this more than once. I've brainstormed and mulled still don't have the words. So I think I will just say what needs to be said.

On December 9, my daddy died. And to say our relationship was complicated is an understatement. And I got quiet. I didn't have the words to say so I took a break from writing in this space. I still don't have the words to say. I can't tell you what I'm learning or exactly how I feel. I'm still processing and if you know anything about grief, you know I may be in this season of processing for a long time.

Our Christmas got stripped down to the bare essentials. We didn't send out cards or decorate elaborately. We put up a little potted tree and we made the decision to forgo many of the things I thought, until this year, were essential to Christmas. I have more to say about that. But again, I'm still processing.

I also wanted to tell you that I'm moving. To Texas. Houston to be exact. I'm leaving the city I love for a city I don't know in a state that was never on my list. I believe this is God's plan for us in this season even though I don't necessarily like it or understand it. Something being right doesn't necessarily make it easy. In fact it's often the opposite.

To be honest, I'm terrified. The idea of moving to Texas in roughly four weeks make me want to throw up in my mouth a little each time I stop and really think about it. And a cross country move in this season or mourning? I will be honest and tell you that this isn't the first time I've questioned whether or not God know's what He's doing.

I've chosen a word of the year (ironically it terrifies me a bit, too) and I have book lists, and reviews, and encouragement, and thoughts I still want to share with you. But for now I just wanted to tell you why I've been so quiet here.

I don't know what's in store for me this year or for this space but I thank you deeply for going on this wild journey with me. 

Links I Love Plus an Update and Prayer Request

I've been struggling for over a month with  carpal tunnel-like symptoms. Needless to say that makes it difficult to write, work as a virtual assistant, and do just about everything that requires your dominant hand. I see a specialist soon but I'd love your prayers.

As I try to get back into the swing of things I'd thought I share some personal and miscellaneous things that are on my mind:

Words for Transition and Change:

• I'm on the cusp of some major life change (more on that later) so Shelly Miller's words here on cooking through her own season of waiting are perfect for this me right now and maybe you too?

Things You Didn't Know About Florida Girls:

•  Recently I went on vacation to Door County, Wisconsin. And it was cold and it SNOWED!!! Because I'm always dreaming of colder weather it made our trip perfect.

All the Happy Places:

•  My friend, Renia, at The Development of Taste has started her annual Savor the Holidays series. And lets be honest, we all need to read/do this. Plus she includes some really practical tips and recipes. Follow along here. 
• Grace Table recently launched and they are my people! Grace Table "is a place to talk about the intersection of food and faith and how the practice of hospitality is less about what you serve and more about that you serve. GraceTable is a space where there are always enough seats, always enough food, and always grace. 

What I'm Cooking:

• Every Fall Lindesy's recipe for Beef Bourguign is on my list. Hoping to make (and eat) it this week.

For 2015:

• I'm contemplating my word of the year for next year. "Hope" has really made an impact in my life this year and I can't imagine not having a word of the year every year.

Good Reads:

• I just finished Boo Mama's A Little Salty to Cut the Sweet and ya'll, you have to read this book. It's laugh out loud hilarious and heart warming at the same time. Plus at the back there are recipes that will make you start saying "ya'll."
• What are you reading? I'm into memoirs and fiction right now but am open to all your recommendations in the comments below.

All the Things: An August Update

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Perhaps you've noticed I've had a hard time getting back into my writing schedule since my July blogging break. While I don't usually do personal updates, I thought I'd share a few things with you as we prepare to dive into Fall:

• In case you're wondering, we did not host a French student. Instead I learned some good things about God's timing and honoring my husband.
• Can you believe I had to take a break from hospitality for a few week during July? More to come on that.
• On July 26th we celebrated 5 years of life and ministry in Orlando. I still have some processing to do on these past 5 years.
• I'm starting to connect and be able to use some of my gifts and passions at my church. This is an answer to a prayer of many years. 
• I'm reading a lot of mindless fiction right now because I spent the beginning of the year diving into lots of serious stuff and needed a break. 
• I am also reading Supper of the Lamb by Father Robert Farrar Capon. 
• If you don't know, I work from home as a Virtual Assistant and I love it more and more each day.
• I'm super excited about the Fall. It's my favorite season. I'll decorate my house, eat all things pumpkin, and go on some fun trips. 
• A group of ladies met on August 10th to lead IF:Local in Orlando. More on that soon for all you locals.
• The Nester's 31 Days will be here before you know and I'll be announcing my topic soon.

Thanks for your grace, support, and encouragement, friends! I'm so thankful for you.

 

What I Gave Up (and Gained) to Live the Life of My Dreams

It was near the end of 2013, that I received an email from Starbucks stating that I had roughly 30 days to earn 30 stars or my Gold Status would be demoted to Green. (In case you don't know, you can earn a star each time you make a purchase. Which means I would have had to go to Starbucks every day for thirty days or visit Starbucks more than once a day. Ha!)

Just a few weeks later I received a similar notice from the Hyatt. They were downgrading my status from Platinum to Gold. I assume US Airways is not too happy with me either but they haven't been as forthright about it. Instead they send me numerous emails encouraging me to fly more. You know, the way I used to.

When I left my steady job at the end of August I realized it would mean my life would be significantly different. But I didn't necessarily think of it in terms of $4 lattes, hotel stays, and airline miles. But those are some tangible evidences of the way my life has changed since I started pursuing the kind of life I had only imagined.

Now hear me, the life of my dreams has never consisted of making a ton of money. I've chosen pursuits that are life-giving to me like ministry, writing, virtual assisting, and speaking. While I do realize some people are able to make good money doing some of those things I'm not willing to work as much as being "successful" in those fields requires. I want to make a living but not a fortune.

So what does it look like to transition to a life you love? Below are a few things I sacrificed to pursue my dreams:

1. $4 Lattes: Fancy coffee drinks are a treat not a staple. 
2. Travel: I've gotten on a plane three times since September. Previously that number during that time would have been 8-16 times.
3. Commute: I don't have one!
4. Anxiety: the anxiety problems I struggled with for years (that I feared were becoming a disorder I'd needed medication for) are virtually non-existent.
5. Money: I can pay my bills and occasionally indulge but I have to live on a budget and every penny counts.

But what I've gained in exchange for those sacrifices? Well, the rewards have been priceless:

1. Margin: One of my values in life is to have white space for serving others as needs come up and for doing things that are life giving to me.
2. A fight against workaholism: This has never been a struggle in the past but between loving what I do and being the CFO, CEO, receptionist, and administrative assistant, this is a constant battle.
3. Flexibility: I sleep in, work later, and work when other people are at the beach. But I also can work when I'm at my best and  tailor my schedule to match Jason's which is also differs from the standard 9 to 5.
4. Health: Not only am I anxiety free but I also eat better because I'm home and have the extra time to prepare healthy food instead of grabbing the things that are most lunch box friendly or eating out. Plus I sleep better because I can listen to my body's own rhythms.
5. Joy in waking up each morning: This does not mean everyday is wonderful and that there aren't mornings I would rather hide from the world. But It does mean I love what I do and enjoy my life for the first time in a long time.

If I would have known the joys of this season of life I've would have started pursuing my dreams years ago. If you're in a position where you know you were made for more and are desiring a different kind of life I highly encourage you to pursue those dreams. You will work harder than you ever have before but you will also be happier than you've ever been as you embrace what you were made to do.

What is the life you've always imagined? Are you pursuing it? Or has something stopped you? I'd love to hear your story in the comments below.

On Being Widowed at Twenty-Four: Six Years Later

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 In wasn't until this past September, that I began opening the boxes that contained his things. They were the remnants of what had survived the first purge. Right after he died I went through most everything. Giving the obligatory things away to family and friends, trashing the rubbish, and holding onto everything else that didn’t quite fit into a category. Some of which I was too afraid to live without. Afraid that throwing things away, like that nearly empty bottle of cologne that smelled of our early dating days, would somehow be throwing parts of him away as well. When I moved from the house we spent most of our marriage in together I couldn’t even pack up those remnants on my own. I delegated that task to a friend and the woman who would become my new mother-in-law.

I lugged the whole heap of boxes to three more homes in the course of six years. My current husband full of grace, because he understood. After all, when I lost Darryl, he lost his best friend. I started off strong that September day. I thought it would be enough to soldier through old memories, familiar smells, and things long forgotten with the impenetrability developed over the six (longer than they should be) years. I was wrong. Somewhere in the middle I couldn’t do it anymore. A cloud of grief hung over me. And the tears began to sting my eyes. I got as far as I could and left the task undone. I don’t know when I’ll face the rest of those boxes again.

...

Grief is a weird thing. I wish I could tell you of all the progress I’ve made over the years but the truth is that I still have so far to go.  When it comes to grief I believe you can’t get it right or wrong. For the most part you just have to do what works for you. For most of us this requires a good counselor and a solid community of friends.

It was quiet here the last week in February. February 29-March 22, is always a weird time for me. It always huddles around Spring and Lent. I’m never quite sure exactly how to memorialize these three weeks from the time of Darryl’s motorcycle accident, through his coma, and to the morning of his death. Some years I am good at remembering it all well and some years if I just plant one marigold I count that a win.

On March 23, something unique will happen. Darryl will have been gone longer than we were together. I don’t know what this means for my grief or for going forward. Somedays it’s hard to believe that I was married for three years and then widowed at twenty-four. Other days I realize how much Darryl’s life and our marriage shaped me.

So as we approach this six year (I still can’t believe it) anniversary of Darryl’s death, would you pray for me in the midst of my mourning? And I’ll pray that God would meet you in the midst of your grief over whatever hardships, suffering, losses, or struggles life has brought you. Because, the truth? Pain is the one thing we all have in common. 

Under Construction

After nearly two years of blogging as Church Planting Confessions I've decided it's time to relaunch. The content around here won't change much but it will be clearer whose doing all the confessing and maybe even easier for you to connect?

With the new design there will continue to be some tweaking over the next few days.  Bear with me and while you wait do you mind telling me what you think of the new look of things? I'd appreciate it.

Chasing Your Dreams is Hard Work

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So I've been actively pursuing some of my God-sized dreams this week and it's been busy. I'll have some exciting announcements coming soon and hopefully I'll be able to serve you, my reader, better.

One of the big things up until this point that has kept me from doing some things I know God is calling me to is fear. Fear of failure and maybe a little fear of success too. And I know I'm not alone...

So I'm wondering what are some of your God-sized dreams and how do you combat fear? I'd love to hear from you in the comments below.

Cook, Eat, Create, Relax

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 So I went on a staycation and had the intention of still posting here…but that didn’t happen. And I’ve had trouble getting back into a writing rhythm. You’d think the impending summer slow-down wouldn’t affect someone who works full time outside of the home. But it does.

I may not have written much in the last few weeks but I did do some other life giving things during my time away. I did that by setting some goals for my staycation. Cook and eat good meals with people I love, complete life giving projects, and relax. You see for me without goals even for a staycation I’d either work hard without stopping for renewal or veg out on the couch the entire time. I’d much rather like to teeter somewhere between the two.

So did I get everything on my to-do list done? No. But I completed some projects that spent months in waiting. Did I relax the entire time? No. But I had the perfect amount of couch sitting, coffee drinking, and reading days to leave me satisfied.

I walked away at the end of a ten day staycation (that started on very rocky terrain) refreshed. I come to you prepared to face this next season of life together. Whatever God has in store lets go forth boldly. And while we’re at it lets share some good meals and make life giving things a priority.

31 Days: Intentional Faith

Yesterday I received some very sad news. Way back at the end of May my husband and I applied to a great organization called Apartment Life to be a CARES Team. We were so excited to be accepted and start this new ministry journey. We then began what could be a three month process of waiting to be placed into an apartment complex. Meanwhile we went to a training for CARES Teams and brainstormed ways to reach our future community.


Three months came and went and we heard nothing. We contacted Apartment Life and they said no properties in Downtown had opened up but that they would let us know as soon one did. Then we waited some more. Yesterday they called us. They didn’t expect anything to open up Downtown. They offered us opportunities outside of the part of the city God has called us to. That wouldn’t work. We decided to be put on their long term waiting list.

Since our application with Apartment Life many things in our lives have changed including my husband’s work schedule. Additionally God has been providing many new ministry opportunities. We knew that God may be leading us in a different direction. So I expected a call like yesterday’s would have made me happy to have something more definitive. But it didn’t. It made me cry. I cried because I was further convinced that we have no idea where we’re going to live or what exactly God has in store for us. I don’t like uncertainty and not being in control. It was all very emotionally draining.

Today I am clinging to the fact that God is in control. We are at the beginning of a journey to purchase a home and that in and of itself can be terrifying and full of emotional highs and lows. I find it even more necessary to trust God even though I can’t see where I’m going. Even though I like the stability of having a plan that includes a long term home I must have trust him.

God, thank you for giving me yet another opportunity to exercise my faith in you. Please help me to trust you more and more.

Spring 2011 Update

Originally written May 2011

God Is On The Move...

We are approaching the two year anniversary of moving to Downtown Orlando. Honestly things have not always gone the way we anticipated. Moving here we had a specific time frame in mind and God seemed to ignore it completely. Oftentimes we have been discouraged by God’s lack of clarity in our ministry Downtown.
Recently God has been opening many doors that we believe to be affirmation to move forward in ministry. Join us as we praise and thank Him for these opportunities:
We have entered into a long term mentoring relationship with Steve & Lynne Johnson. To learn more visit www.2xglobal.com
God has given us a season at Celebration Community Church (CCC) that we are thankful for but feel a strong to desire to centralize our ministry Downtown. We hope to be apart of a church plant Downtown by Spring 2012.
Michael & Christi are a couple who also desire to plant a church Downtown. We believe God has brought them into our lives and look forward to seeing His plan unfold.
We are leading the Church Planting Task Force at CCC to help the church plan a long term strategy for church planting.
We are so thankful for all God is doing. Please pray for use as we assume new leadership positions and ministry roles.

And So Are We!

Throughout our time in Downtown Orlando we have sought to worship God by being good stewards of our finances. One way we can do this is to move from our current rental home. We are seeking to either buy a home (a monthly mortgage payment would be significantly less than our current rent) or become a CARES Team. Becoming a CARES team would allow us to live in an apartment complex or a nominal fee and be responsible for the community development there. This presents a tremendous missional as well as financial opportunity for us. We are desperately seeking God’s guidance as we prepare to make many important decisions in the coming weeks and months. For more information about CARES please visit www.apartmentlife.org

Current Ministry Projects:

Church Planting Task Force
The City at CCC (www.onthecity.org for more info)
Missional living especially through our relationships at Corona Cigar Co.

Prayer Needs:

Pray for wisdom as we seek where to move
Pray for direction as we plan to be a part of a church plant Downtown in the next year
Pray Michael would be able to find work so he and Christi can move Downtown
Pray for clarity regarding various financial decisions
Pray for the salvation of Angel, who Jason works with
Pray for the salvation of Wes, the cook at a local sports bar
Pray for an avenue for hands-on ministry Downtown for Joy

Summer 2010 Update

Originally written July 2010

We are drawing close to the one year anniversary of moving to Downtown Orlando and what a year it has been! The events of the past year have ranged from the financial struggles of moving to a new city without fulltime employment, to the joys of developing new relationships, and most importantly seeking God’s strength and guidance for living “sent” lives. We see ourselves as missionaries to Downtown Orlando and hope we can grow further in fulfilling the high calling of the Great Commission. We look forward to the months ahead as we seek the many opportunities God has placed before us to live missional lives in The City Beautiful. Thank you for your ongoing prayers for our many requests. We couldn’t do it without you!

One Homeless Night

Since we first began visiting Downtown Orlando in Fall of 2008 we have been impacted by the homeless population. You cannot go anywhere downtown without seeing the signs of homelessness or being approached by someone in need of help. Joy has especially been impacted by the plight of the homeless in The City Beautiful. As we strive to be missional in our community and minister where we live we have been seeking more opportunities to be more intentional in our outreach.

One opportunity that we have been presented with is One Homeless Night. This event is sponsored by the Orlando Union Rescue Mission and will take place this year September 17th and 18th. We will get to see downtown through the eyes of the homeless people who make their beds in its streets every night. We will be sleeping on the ground under the I-4 overpass overnight.

While this will be an awesome opportunity for us to better understand homelessness in Downtown Orlando, it will also be a chance for us to support the great work of the Orlando Union Rescue Mission. For every $24.72 raised, one night of shelter and care (including a hot meal, clean clothing and hope) will be provided for one homeless man, woman, or child. Together we have committed to provide at least 20 nights of shelter and care. Please pray about sponsoring one of these nights for only $24.72. If you choose to sponsor us for One Homeless Night please mail your check to us and make it payable to Orlando Union Rescue Mission and write One Homeless Night in the memo.

Thank you for allowing us to serve the homeless and lost of Downtown Orlando through your prayers and support.
Jason & Joy

Current Ministry Projects:

One Homeless Night
“God Belongs in Our City” prayer walk
Jason continues to lead a biweekly theology group
Jason and Joy are a part of the prayer team and small groups ministry at CCC
Jason also serves through the Implementation Team at CCC as well as occasionally playing bass in the worship band

Prayer Needs:
Pray for us as we seek opportunities to form missional relationships with our neighbors
Pray for Joy as she begins leading a Bible study that will ultimately reach out to lost women
Pray that Jason would be able to witness to the men he works with
Pray for us as we seek to raise funds for One Homeless Night
Pray for Joy as she applies to various organizations to work with the homeless
Joy will begin leading a woman’s Bible study in August

A Season of New Beginnings

Originally Written April 2010

When we moved to Downtown Orlando nine months ago we could never have anticipated the changes that lay ahead. Settling into life in a new home, in a new city has been challenging and filled with many struggles and triumphs. We are excited to share with you all God has been doing in our lives.

In October, Jason was offered a part-time job at a local cigar store. After only six months on the job Jason has been promoted to manager! This job not only allows for a steady income but also gives Jason the opportunity to work daily in the mission field that is Downtown Orlando. He has many opportunities to witness for the Gospel and has already seen some fruits from his labor.

Joy on the other hand searched for a job for many months without receiving so much as a call back. She decided to steward her time by serving wherever she could until God provided. Her patience was recently rewarded as she was hired to work with Converge Worldwide as the Assistant to the Director of Church Planting! This is an awesome opportunity for her to work firsthand aiding the work of church planting, an area she is obviously passionate about.

The past nine months have taught us many lessons and given us the opportunity to wait on God’s timing. Through prayer, seeking Godly council, and learning more about ourselves, we feel that we are to remain at Celebration Community Church for this season. While a passion for church planting and a burden for the people of Downtown Orlando are still on our hearts, we are keenly aware that we are not designed to be solo church planters. We hope that in the months and years to come we can join a church planting team and one day see the vision God has given us for Downtown Orlando fulfilled. We continue to be involved in our small group as well as the prayer ministry at church. Jason is able to serve the church leadership in various capacities and Joy is faithful to be a willing servant as well.

We are so thankful for your prayers and financial support up to this time. While it is our hope and prayer that you would continue to take this journey with us, we recognize that our time frame has changed from what we originally planned. We understand if this change affects your monthly support of our ministry. Please feel free to contact us with any questions you may have and may the God of all peace continue to bless you richly!
Jason & Joy

How You Can Pray for Us:
Pray that God would continue to reveal His plan for our future ministry

Pray that Jason would be faithful to live missionally while he works

Pray that we would serve diligently at CCC

Pray for Joy to transition smoothly into her new job as she balances working full-time and being a wife

Pray that we would have a growing Godly marriage as we seek to build a family

A Year of Transition

Originally Written December 2009

Following the emotional roller coaster of 2008, this year was one of many joys and challenges. We  united our hearts and lives in marriage on January 17th on Bradenton Beach. Two weeks later we traveled to Raleigh, North Carolina to an Acts 29 Church Planting Boot Camp. Then, in March we reflected as the anniversary of Darryl’s first Heavenly Birthday arrived...

After six months of marriage, we moved to downtown Orlando with the hope of planting a church in the future. With this move came much celebration and trials. Joy resigned from her beloved job at Chain of Lakes Elementary in Winter Haven due to the move and has still not found full-time work. However, God has been faithful to provide for us by sending people to partner with us financially for our ministry downtown as well as providing Jason with two part-time jobs.

Another answer to prayer has been the great relationships we have formed with our small group at Celebration Community Church. We began attending CCC in November 2008 and started meeting with our small group in March 2009. This group of ten other men and women (and their children) have strengthened us spiritually, prayed for us regularly, and helped to lift our arms ( Exodus 17:11-12 ) in the most trying of times. We are grateful to God for planting us in such a mature and loving body of believers during this season of seeking His direction for future ministry. We hope to be able to serve the people of CCC with everything within us until God calls us on. 

In 2010 we ask that you would pray for us as we continue to seek God’s will and timing for our ministry.  For you, we pray that God would be your strength in times of trouble  (2 Cor. 12:9-10) and continually draw you closer  to Himself. Merry Christmas!

Impact Church Orlando

God has given us a desire to see Downtown Orlando impacted for the glory of God. As we walk its streets we see among the homeless, the partiers, and elite of society, a common thread; they are all worshipping. Many worship sex, money, and alcohol. But all of them have misplaced their affections for the one true God and raised idols in His place. Our goal is to lift  up the truth of Christ so that all men might be drawn to Him (John 12:32  ). If you would like to partner with us by joining our prayer team or supporting us financially please contact us.