Monday, February 9, 2015

When You Don't Have the Words to Say

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I've sat down to write this more than once. I've brainstormed and mulled still don't have the words. So I think I will just say what needs to be said.

On December 9, my daddy died. And to say our relationship was complicated is an understatement. And I got quiet. I didn't have the words to say so I took a break from writing in this space. I still don't have the words to say. I can't tell you what I'm learning or exactly how I feel. I'm still processing and if you know anything about grief, you know I may be in this season of processing for a long time.

Our Christmas got stripped down to the bare essentials. We didn't send out cards or decorate elaborately. We put up a little potted tree and we made the decision to forgo many of the things I thought, until this year, were essential to Christmas. I have more to say about that. But again, I'm still processing.

I also wanted to tell you that I'm moving. To Texas. Houston to be exact. I'm leaving the city I love for a city I don't know in a state that was never on my list. I believe this is God's plan for us in this season even though I don't necessarily like it or understand it. Something being right doesn't necessarily make it easy. In fact it's often the opposite.

To be honest, I'm terrified. The idea of moving to Texas in roughly four weeks make me want to throw up in my mouth a little each time I stop and really think about it. And a cross country move in this season or mourning? I will be honest and tell you that this isn't the first time I've questioned whether or not God know's what He's doing.

I've chosen a word of the year (ironically it terrifies me a bit, too) and I have book lists, and reviews, and encouragement, and thoughts I still want to share with you. But for now I just wanted to tell you why I've been so quiet here.

I don't know what's in store for me this year or for this space but I thank you deeply for going on this wild journey with me.