God Has a Sense of Humor: My Word of the Year

It was in July that God started whispering the word to my heart. And it made me cringe.

My word of the year for 2014 was "Hope." Let's be honest, who doesn't like a word like hope? Sure I entered into 2014 with my hope tank all but depleted. I was afraid to dream or be hopeful after what seemed like years of tragedy after tragedy with the most recent being the loss of yet another child.

But hope is full of promise. Of expectation. Of excited anticipation of what could be. Hope for what may lie ahead. And 2014 did in fact prove to be the year of hope. It was a year of joy and peace. Of new career opportunities and renewed joy. A year of looking toward new dreams and a hopeful future.

But right in the middle of last summer I was burnt out. And so I took my birth month off from almost everything in my life that pulled me toward striving, busyness, and too much of many good things. And in that month God started whispering it. "Less," He said.

And when I heard that word, I knew. Sure, I wanted to run away from God's voice and all the implications of it. But even then I knew He was calling me to a season of less. A prelude, if you will, to 2015.

...

Toward the end of summer I took an active roll in the leadership team of IF:Orlando. Early on I heard God's voice again. "Less," He said. "Lay it down," He said. "Let someone else lead." Instead, I tried disobedience on for size. Willful disobedience.

And it was miserable. I was overworked and overstressed, and not receiving any joy from a gathering of women that should have brought me exceeding joy.

And so after fulfilling my obligations I sent and email to the other members of the leadership team. An email I did not want to write. "God has called me to less," I said. "I have to lay IF down."

...

The year ended in the most unexpected way with my dad's death. But in the midst of intense grief, God began preparing my heart for 2015 and for a year of less. With my dad's passing on December 9, the Christmas season was stripped away to the bare essentials. I did not send cards or bake tons of cookies. My decorations were minimal. My celebration was tempered and I learned that a merry Christmas can be found in places most unlike the Hallmark Channel movies.

...

Even so I entered 2015, still a bit unprepared to commit to a word like "less" for an entire year. While I understand stripping away a lot of good things means leaving space for more great things, I was convinced that stripping part couldn't be that easy. I had no idea how right I was.

We are still in the first quarter of this new year and I find myself with less of EVERYTHING. I am just over a week into a new life in Texas. I have had to leave behind a strong community, a church family that feels like home, a city I loved, and a life that felt comfortable. To top it off God has me living in a micro space that feels nothing like home no matter how many trips to Target I make.

In case you were in doubt, God has a sense of humor.

Gather: Five Minute Friday

I feel the acid gathering in my stomach. I try to drown it with antacids. I try to drown my fear, stress, and anxiety in YouTube videos and Hulu binges. I text friends for prayer. And nothing is enough.

I feel alone and afraid.

I give up. I have no other options. I play a song. I bow before the King. I lay my heart out. I lean into the The Rock that is higher than I.

I don't know how to do this. Give up everything. All that is familiar. For unknown territory. Leave behind home for the sake of obedience. I cannot bare it all.

So I stop trying.

One foot in front of the other. I cry. I sit. I wait. I write. I want to give up worry and lean into trust. I want to stop believing I must do it all on my own.

I want to rest. I want to find daily Sabbath in the midst of a cross-country move.

I take an anxiety supplement. And run water in the sink. Smell Dawn dish detergent. One step at a time I move forward. 

I'm linking up over at Kate's for Five Minute Friday. Join us here. 

When You Don't Have the Words to Say

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I've sat down to write this more than once. I've brainstormed and mulled still don't have the words. So I think I will just say what needs to be said.

On December 9, my daddy died. And to say our relationship was complicated is an understatement. And I got quiet. I didn't have the words to say so I took a break from writing in this space. I still don't have the words to say. I can't tell you what I'm learning or exactly how I feel. I'm still processing and if you know anything about grief, you know I may be in this season of processing for a long time.

Our Christmas got stripped down to the bare essentials. We didn't send out cards or decorate elaborately. We put up a little potted tree and we made the decision to forgo many of the things I thought, until this year, were essential to Christmas. I have more to say about that. But again, I'm still processing.

I also wanted to tell you that I'm moving. To Texas. Houston to be exact. I'm leaving the city I love for a city I don't know in a state that was never on my list. I believe this is God's plan for us in this season even though I don't necessarily like it or understand it. Something being right doesn't necessarily make it easy. In fact it's often the opposite.

To be honest, I'm terrified. The idea of moving to Texas in roughly four weeks make me want to throw up in my mouth a little each time I stop and really think about it. And a cross country move in this season or mourning? I will be honest and tell you that this isn't the first time I've questioned whether or not God know's what He's doing.

I've chosen a word of the year (ironically it terrifies me a bit, too) and I have book lists, and reviews, and encouragement, and thoughts I still want to share with you. But for now I just wanted to tell you why I've been so quiet here.

I don't know what's in store for me this year or for this space but I thank you deeply for going on this wild journey with me.