The Hardest (and Best) Way to Live

(I have been honest about our struggles since moving to Texas. Today my husband Jason reflects on those same struggles and what they mean in a life of faith.)

“I have learned to kiss the wave that throws me against the Rock of Ages.”   
–Charles Spurgeon

I have just gone through one of the hardest months of my professional business career.  It’s been full of days where work is like a rushing river, and even as I’m trying to move it and guide it so that we are productive and effective, the water just ignores me and does whatever it pleases.  I have spent many days looking at my boss and friend with weary looks in our eyes that both communicate, “What can happen next?”  We often joke about trying to herd cats or push a string forward but there are many days when it just feels like the inmates are running the asylum.

We were praying before work the other day and I literally wanted to stand in the corner and bang my head against the wall because I felt like that would be more productive than everything else that I have been trying and failing at.  The spiritual, mental and emotional attacks have been unceasing, unrelenting and unnerving at times:

“Why did I move half way across the county to do this?”

“Why am I putting my wife through all of this heartache?”

“Why does it feel like everything I try just fails, and fails hard?”

“Is this another item to add to my list of failures?”

“Insecurity wants us to keep track of our failures.  Grace doesn’t even write them down.” –Bob Goff

The temptation is to find my identity, my security and my worth in my successes.  It is that temptation that causes me to pull up my big boy pants and just try harder.  It is that temptation which says I should use those failures to motivate me.  “I can prove them all wrong” is the refrain that most often plays on repeat in my head.

And the water is rising quick
And for years I was scared of it
We can’t be sure when it will subside
So I won’t leave your side, no I can’t leave your side.

–Need to Breathe

I don’t know when, or if, things will get better at work.  I don’t know when, or if, I will get over the insecurity of feeling like a constant failure.  I don’t know when, of if, I will stand victorious of many of the things in this world that are my enemies.

But, what I do know, is that I can learn to be thankful for these waves that crash me against the Rock of Ages.  I can marvel in the mysterious sovereignty of my gracious King.  I can know that whether these trials are sent by God or allowed by God that I can rest in the power and grace of a God that loves me, Passionately, Immensely, and Unendingly. 

The waves suck, and I would never negate the pain and hurt we all face, but they drive us to His side.  And that is the only and best place for us to reside.