(This post is Part 2 in a series written by my husband as he processes a new job, a new community, and the ups and down of life. Read Part 1 here.)
"No one would love me
If they knew all the things I hide
My words fall to the floor
As tears drip through the telephone line"
– Love Alone, by Caedmon’s Call
One of the biggest idols and sins that true community brings out in me is a deep fear of man issue. I want to be thought of as someone who is smart, insightful and has it all together. When in a conversation with fellow believers I want to be the one who speaks up when no one else knows what to say because I have the inspired words that are just right for the moment. I want people to see me as the guy who has all the answers.
The truth is that I often walk into small group believing that if people could see my heart, my mind and the day I just had at work that they would all avoid me like the plague. The truth is that I want so badly to be thought of in a certain light that I often hold back what is really going on in my heart and fail to be as vulnerable as I desperately want. The truth is that I don’t want to be seen as the weird Christian that I end up not saying “amen” during a sermon when everything within me is screaming because of the beautiful truth being proclaimed. The truth is that I often feel my legs shaking during worship and I want to fall down in the middle of the aisle and worship my God with my whole body but I am too afraid of what people will think. The truth is that I often wipe away the tears too quickly because I think it’s a sign of weakness.
Vulnerability in community, showing you the real me, is absolutely terrifying while also being the most intoxicating feeling I often experience. I want you to know the real me, the Jason who can strip off his masks and show you the good, the bad and the very ugly. I want to know and experience a safe community that doesn’t avoid the hard things but reminds me of my standing in the finished work of Christ; who exhorts me toward righteousness because the same Spirit that raised Jesus from grave now lives in me.
I’m going to screw it up, and it’s going to be messy, but I want to engage with the family of believers who are experiencing the same joys and trials I am in a world full of hurt, pain and suffering. Community as family is hard, but I think it’s worth it.
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