"Am I a Fraud?"

I said the words to my husband on the patio of our third place. Even with the music blaring I whispered it. Jason never wanting to get in the way of God working replied, “well, are you?”

“I don’t think so,” I replied. 

“Many church leaders unknowingly replace the transcendentvitality of a life with God for the ego satisfaction they derive from a life for God.” –Skye Jethani

“We are a group of people addicted to and obsessed with thework of the Kingdom, with little to no idea how to be with the King.” –MikeBreen

 Reading these quotes and the state of affairs in my heart had left me asking the question though. This area of my life has plagued me before. I wrote about it here when I was trying to discover my role in mission in Downtown Orlando. And when I discovered my niche after such a long journey of searching I dove in deep and never came up for air.

I lived and breathed ministry. I planned my life around it. I thought constantly of how to do it better and do it more. I found fulfillment and joy in relationships with the lost. In being needed. Appreciated. Confided in. 

And it didn’t happen all at once. But I know I woke up one day and started seeing it. Discovering mission had become my god. And God himself, I was not sure I knew him. I was a faithful worshipper of missional living. Even writing on practical tips for you to do it here. But I turned ministry into a mistress. I loved, served and worshipped at her altar faithfully. Because of my devotion I took pride in my work. In my knowledge. I was farther down the path than most and many came to me for advice on starting their missional journey. 

It was that night just a few weeks ago that I let anyone know what I was thinking. That I said it out loud. 

“I think,” I said, “I’ve just lost my way. I’ve gotten off the path.”

And so since that night a few weeks ago I’ve been trying to get back on the path to knowing and worshipping the Creator and putting ministry in its proper place in light of Him. I’m still trying to figure this out. But this is a short list of what I’m doing to rediscover my first love:

•  Ask God for help. He knew I was struggling with idolatry long before I did. And his grace is the only way I can be lead back to the foot of the cross where I remember who is the one true God.
• Meditate on God. One way I've had to to reorient my life is listening to worship music during my commute.I need the words of the artists during those sixty minutes each day to remind me why I even do ministry.
• Read & Memorize scripture.  Somewhere in my adult life I began counting on all I'd memorized from the Bible in my youth. I hoping to reignite my love for God by joining this community in memorization this year. I also joined the Hello Mornings challenge.

I'm in the middle of this journey right now and it's hard and imperfect but I'm moving forward and growing closer to God.

Have you ever felt like a fraud? What ways do you meditate on God and realign your relationship with him?

Brave (Five Minute Friday)

Brave is women. Them sitting in my Thursday night group. A group of them. Wanting to live whole hearted. Talking  about shame and her of all things. And we sit there in our imperfect bodies with our hearts pouring out of our imperfect lives. We’re broken and bleeding. Real and honest. We’ve come because we know we’ve messed up and failed. And we know you have too. We know in this life we can’t get it right. But we want to get closer.

In this life we’ll never be enough. Never skinny enough or curvy enough. We’ll never be rich enough or non-consumerist enough. But in that room, in two hours each week we level the playing field. And all our broken pieces come together to make a beautiful mosaic.

And that is where I learn to be brave. 

 

I'm linked up with Lisa-Jo's Five Minute Friday. Join us here?

How God Answered My (in)RL Prayer

Last year the only (in)RL meetup in Orlando was huge. (Read: 200 people). And so (in)RL got bumped off my calendar. I mean how do you make genuine real life connections in a room full of 200 people? Us introverts don't do that. And so hoping for something smaller I vowed that I would be a meetup host this year.

In January another host contacted me about combining our groups. It was a fine idea and she seemed nice enough but my fear of large numbers won out. And I stayed the course hoping for a small meetup where introverts could feel safe and genuine relationships could be cultivated.

And then the months went on and my meetup stayed small. At its height there were four of us registered. And before it was over that number dwindled. And don't we all know that "comparison is the thief of joy." And as I started looking at other groups in my area my insecurities crept up to the surface. And I got scared. And discouraged. And thought about bailing.

But then God so graciously reminded me that this is what I had prayed for. A small group. That was easy for an introvert and safe for rich conversation to occur. And so I stayed the course.

On Friday night I broke the rules and a friend who couldn't come Saturday came bearing two kinds of curry. We watched the videos together and talked about theology and asked hard questions. And it was good. And safe. And our relationship grew.

On Saturday I had an introvert's dream come true.  I prepared a brunch spread of quiche, fruit salad and cranberry goat cheese. And then I spent three easy hours enjoying everything with one of my best friends. We watched the videos and paused the videos. And talked about pain, and friendship, and parenting. And it was good. And our relationship grew.

 So if anyone ever asks me about staying in community when it would have been easier to leave, I will share the story of the time I hosted an (in)RL meetup. And God answered my prayer.