(Today's post is from my real-life
friend, Renia Carsillo. Renia is one of the few people I still talk to
from high school, and one of the things I love most about her is that we
disagree on some things. Being friends with someone whose perspective
can be so different from mine has made me a better person.)
What if I am afraid
to be a good neighbor?
If you’ve been reading this series
feeling like being a better neighbor is wonderful, but the idea of
forced intimacy that happens when you befriend a neighbor terrifies
you, today’s post is for you.
Being a good neighbor doesn’t
start with a batch of chocolate chip cookies or an urge to connect
with a community. Neighboring begins within you, from a place of
of acceptance and open-hearted living. It cannot be successfully
manifested until you can say to yourself, at least in a trembling
whisper,
“I am enough.”
Neighboring requires
indecent exposure
If you don’t believe you are enough,
it’s going to be tough to open yourself up to the very real risk of
neighboring--the risk of indecent exposure.
Your neighbors see you take the trash
out in your underwear at 5 am, hoping no one will catch you.
Your neighbors might hear you say
something not-so-nice to your kids on a particularly stressful day.
Your neighbors are the most likely
candidates to walk in on the tornado that is your house the day
before a big presentation at work.
If you live in an apartment building
and share walls with your neighbors, well, let’s just say they will
learn A LOT about you.
When we don’t feel good enough, all
those moments of exposure can be pretty terrifying. It’s easier to
stay strangers and bury our heads in the sand.
The high risk of exposing our warts
is why being a good neighbor must begin as an inside job.
Neighboring for the
first time at 30
Growing up, all my neighbors were
family. Neighboring never made its way into my consciousness until
Craig and I moved in together. Craig’s best friend lives just an
empty lot away from us. You can see from our laundry room window into
theirs. Our backyards look out onto the same lake. When I do yoga on
the porch at 5 am, my neighbor waves as she walks the back porch
soothing her fussy grandson.
From the first moment I dropped anchor
here, I was connected with two strangers, by both geography and
shared history, and it wasn’t easy for me. For the first time in my
life I wondered what the neighbors would think if I walked outside in
my nightgown or chased my boys around in the yard.
After three years living next door to
Craig’s best friends--now my friends too--I’ve learned that there
are three essential ingredients for open-hearted neighboring...
Essentials for
neighboring with an open heart
Whether or not being neighborly comes
naturally to you, it comes down to how you feel about yourself. If
you feel like you are enough, you will be able to separate fear from
reality, set healthy boundaries, and be a neutral safe place for all.
Let’s look at why open-hearted
neighboring is inside work:
Recognize what
judgement means
The biggest fear most of us have about
being friendly with the neighbors comes from a fear of judgement. We
are afraid that our flaws will condemn us, usually because we are
judging the flaws of others.
Think about it this way, if you hear
your neighbor impatiently yelling at her son while she jockeys him
into the house--arms laden with groceries and backpacks--do you offer
to help or assume she’s a terrible mother?
Be honest. Most of us roll our eyes and
assume she needs to read a book or two about parenting. Then, we will
turn around and worry that she thinks the same thing about us when we
repeat the action from our own driveway the next afternoon. If you
have children, you’ve probably lost your patience a dozen or more
times over the past week. If you don’t have children, insert your
husband/dog/cat here.
If you can recognize that you are
afraid of the same type of judgement you dole out, then you can break
that cycle and be a good neighbor.
If you know that you are good enough,
it’s much easier to believe your neighbors are too. If you believe
that stressed-out mom is doing the best she can, it’s easier to
believe that she will give you the same grace.
Walk across the yard and take her
groceries. Leave the judgement at the door. If you can do that for
someone else, you’re less likely to feel judged yourself and be
more open to making friends with the neighbors.
Set boundaries
Once you open the door to a friendship
with those who live in close proximity it’s easy to feel
overwhelmed by their constant presence.
Being friendly with the neighbors often
means you will have company when you want to be alone and it opens up
the possibility of constant intrusions into your privacy. Everyone
has varying degrees of comfort with this, so it is essential to
recognize your own needs and set boundaries early on in the
relationship.
Our neighbors, Mark and Marty, have a
pool. My boys love to swim and our two families have shared thousands
of wonderful moments on their deck. But we have a rule, before we go
over to swim we text Marty to see what’s happening in their world
before we subject them to two rowdy boys.
On Sundays during football season I
open my home to pretty much anyone who wants to eat well, watch a
game and celebrate with us. But on weekdays no one crosses the path
after 7 pm unless it’s an emergency.
Rigid rules like these may not be your
style, but for an introvert like me-- a woman who doesn’t do
impromptu plans well--these boundaries allow me to be open with my
neighbors while still feeling in control of my space.
Be Neutral
Couples fight. Parents and children
(particularly teenagers) do too. If you’re going to commune with
your neighborhood, learn to make like Switzerland and stay out of it.
Taking sides in an argument will end up
burning you, one way or the other. You can be a safe place to go, a
listening ear and a shoulder to cry on...But never never never take
sides. Even when it’s difficult not to, even when you think you
know exactly who is right and who is wrong.
Recognizing that our own reactions to
other people’s conflicts usually have more to do with us than them
can help. Unless abuse is involved, it helps no one for you to take
sides or step in--sometimes it doesn’t even then.
If you are afraid for someone’s
safety, please involve the proper authorities. In all other cases,
stay out of it.
When you build a reputation as a safe
and neutral zone your neighbors are more likely to come to you when
they need help and you greatly reduce the risk of hurting your
relationships with your own judgement.
Try a “selfish”
prayer or meditation
Maybe, if you find this whole idea of
neighboring daunting, the best place to start is with a simple prayer
or meditation.
Being a good neighbor begins and
ends with the belief that you, in all your flawed glory, are enough.
Once you internalize this it will be much easier to make friends with
the people who share your walls, your driveway, or your street.
If you--like me--struggle with making
friends, try starting with a daily 10-minute meditation or prayer
that looks something like this:
Help me to love myself as much as I
am called to love my neighbor. Fill me up with love and light until
my cup cannot help but run over and into the lives of those around
me.
Sometimes we have to step back and be
neighborly with ourselves before we have the bandwidth to be
neighborly with anyone else.
Renia
Carsillo is an advocate for whole foods, fierce women and writing
yourself strong. Renia spent years being quiet to be successful in
business and learned the hard way that financial success matters only
if it has purpose. With a strong and often controversial style, Renia
writes and cooks for women who are tired of playing it safe. She is
the author of three books, including her recently released memoir,
BornHungry. Today
she writes and coaches women about body image, eating for pleasure,
and living with moxie at bearealbeauty.com.
