"Am I a Fraud?"

I said the words to my husband on the patio of our third place. Even with the music blaring I whispered it. Jason never wanting to get in the way of God working replied, “well, are you?”

“I don’t think so,” I replied. 

“Many church leaders unknowingly replace the transcendentvitality of a life with God for the ego satisfaction they derive from a life for God.” –Skye Jethani

“We are a group of people addicted to and obsessed with thework of the Kingdom, with little to no idea how to be with the King.” –MikeBreen

 Reading these quotes and the state of affairs in my heart had left me asking the question though. This area of my life has plagued me before. I wrote about it here when I was trying to discover my role in mission in Downtown Orlando. And when I discovered my niche after such a long journey of searching I dove in deep and never came up for air.

I lived and breathed ministry. I planned my life around it. I thought constantly of how to do it better and do it more. I found fulfillment and joy in relationships with the lost. In being needed. Appreciated. Confided in. 

And it didn’t happen all at once. But I know I woke up one day and started seeing it. Discovering mission had become my god. And God himself, I was not sure I knew him. I was a faithful worshipper of missional living. Even writing on practical tips for you to do it here. But I turned ministry into a mistress. I loved, served and worshipped at her altar faithfully. Because of my devotion I took pride in my work. In my knowledge. I was farther down the path than most and many came to me for advice on starting their missional journey. 

It was that night just a few weeks ago that I let anyone know what I was thinking. That I said it out loud. 

“I think,” I said, “I’ve just lost my way. I’ve gotten off the path.”

And so since that night a few weeks ago I’ve been trying to get back on the path to knowing and worshipping the Creator and putting ministry in its proper place in light of Him. I’m still trying to figure this out. But this is a short list of what I’m doing to rediscover my first love:

•  Ask God for help. He knew I was struggling with idolatry long before I did. And his grace is the only way I can be lead back to the foot of the cross where I remember who is the one true God.
• Meditate on God. One way I've had to to reorient my life is listening to worship music during my commute.I need the words of the artists during those sixty minutes each day to remind me why I even do ministry.
• Read & Memorize scripture.  Somewhere in my adult life I began counting on all I'd memorized from the Bible in my youth. I hoping to reignite my love for God by joining this community in memorization this year. I also joined the Hello Mornings challenge.

I'm in the middle of this journey right now and it's hard and imperfect but I'm moving forward and growing closer to God.

Have you ever felt like a fraud? What ways do you meditate on God and realign your relationship with him?